Wow, I cried soo much while reading this. The tears just streamed down my cheeks and my nose (nice mental picture there for you all). Every Ugly Word really got to me, but I hadn’t really expected anything less if honest. The whole premise just sounded so Caroline-ish.
Because all the thing that happen to Ashley, how she gets treated by those around her, and her thought… It just hit a sensitive spot in me. Which made me cry so much that from time to time I had to put the book down so that I wouldn’t accidentally drown it with my tears.
The whole thing also felt so very familiar so when the doctor questioned her choices it felt like he also questioned mine. It was like a wake-up call. Like, what kind of decisions have I done in my life? That I did everything worse for myself, that I has been shaped by my own bad decisions and that’s it that made me feel like I’ve never been good enough. Not a good feeling, or thought, to ponder over late att night. Pondering the thought that everything bad that happen in my life is my own fault, that nothing really is as bad as I’m making it out to be, that I destroy everything for myself and that I just have to trust other people, since they know better. Am I so caught up in my past that I can’t live in the present and move on??
It also got me wondering, if I could get back and talk to my younger self what would I tell her? Should I tell her to do everything opposite of what I did so she could live the dream I always thought I wanted? Or should I tell her to go through every horrible thing that I did, because things got better this way? Well, there’s no way to know what would have happen if things had been different but I’m sure I wouldn’t be the same person that I’m now. Well, how could I? But right now things has started to look bright, I’m not where I thought I would ever be but this isn’t bad. It finally feels like I can be the person I want to be, and not the person it felt like other thought I should be. Since this wasn’t the plan, so now I’m in full control to do things the way I want and be who I always wanted to be. If anything it given me a new, and better, way to see things and to be. And I have to say I like this Caroline a lot better than any of the old ones.