Journey to me #4: No longer putting my head in the sand

One thing I used to do was literally throwing my phone under the pillows whenever I had wrote a message or email about something important. It was like as long as I didn’t read the answer I could live happily unknowing, and the longer i dragged it out the longer I could technically be happy in case it response was something bad. And thinking like I did back then it was sure to be that. Because hey I’m Caroline and nothing is good my life.

Now this didn’t just apply to sending messages, it applied to everything. Like whenever I had to get feedback for school work I’d rather read the grade/comment online than having a face to face talk about it and how I did. I think that had something to with my feelings taking over, and if it wasn’t a positive response I would start cry. And then it was better to do it in the comfort of my own room than in front of the teacher, or in some cases the entire class. Because then I would be embarrassed and making everyone around me uncomfortable.

But this happen at home to: I would drag out things like asking my brother to pick out a package for me att the postal office, until the last minute because I didn’t wanted to bother him or facing an rejection. Or that I always did things like eat or go on the toilet when no one else was around so that I didn’t was in the way.

But, I have to live my life and slowly a little step at a time I start to reshape this thinking. Now I asks my brother rather casually if he can picks them up for, because I’m not afraid that I’m bothering him or that I’m the useless little sister. Or whenever I’m gonna take book photos for this blog, I don’t sneak out when no ones around for the risk of being judged of asked what the hell I’m doing. Nowadays I just goes out takes then whenever I feels like it.
Afterwards it feels like a big victory, and I know that for a lot of people that’s nothing. But for me these are huge progresses and I’m finally able to cheer my self on for achieving even the tiniest of things, because I’ve done then instead of just bury my head in the sand.

♥ Caroline

Journey to me #3: Don’t live by details

SDC10505Over time one of my best traits is my eye to details, it’s a great thing to notice the small things and see a world that others doesn’t. But like so many other things when it’s used wrong it can be a devastating tool.
During my first time with heavy depression the details gained a bigger role than they had before. Sure I’ve always used then to survive in a hostile school environment by reading people and use it to my advantage. [Read more…]

Journey to me #2: Show the love

imageI’ve always seen myself as really boring, mostly because I love to read and isn’t overly social. Also it didn’t help that people always said I was soo boring and never wanted to hang out with me.
So as with so many other things, I decided that it was easiest just to come to term with the fact and tell everybody how freaking boring I was. As a safety thing, so we doesn’t become friends and then they discovers how boring I am and then dumps me. Like, it felt like the wiser option to take the bullet right away. [Read more…]

Journey to me #1: Likes shouldn’t equal self-worth

IMG_0233Like doesn’t equal love, and you shouldn’t base your self-worth on how many likes you have on Instagram or comments either for that matter. I know that, but it’s hard not to feel unloved when you see everyone else in your social circle gets a zillion likes and a handful of comments on the line of ‘you’re prettiest/goals’, when you get 3 likes on your selfie and no comment at all.

I try not to let it affect me, and right now it doesn’t really, some days it’s hard to see all other get’s told how pretty they are and no one tells you that. But as Melanie Martinez sings in her song Cry Baby ‘You take things so hard and then you fall apart‘.
It’s also the reason why my Facebook looks like death valley,  like there’s no pictures on there and defiantly not a selfie. Why? Because I’m so used to getting ignored and there’s no worse feeling than everyone ignoring you, and your photos, while pouring love and likes on someone else’s. So if I don’t put anything on there they can’t ignore me, right? Fool proof idea there.

But if people comments on my photos or comments on them shouldn’t matter, because then they aren’t really my friends and I shouldn’t matter. I wish I didn’t but I do, and until I feel strong enough to stand with my head held high when it comes to that kinds of things, I’ll just stay on Instagram. Hey, there at least I get some love and feel more comfortable sharing my photos and selfies. A baby step at a time, Rome wasn’t build on a day.

♥ Caroline

Thinking positively

IMG_0083We all have those days when everything feels like shit and there’s no light in the dark tunnel. For some it lasts just for a short while but for others it can be a friend that’s always lurking in the background.
I’m the latter and today I’ve come a long way on my journey to self love. Not everyday is great and it hasn’t been easy. But the amazingly long way I’ve come from hating every part of my self to mostly acceptans and love has been an a fantastic journey. In the last two years I’ve come so far that sometimes I can’t really believe it myself. But I just love it, because the more you love yourself the more love you can accept from others.

Here’s just a few small things to keep in mind for both you and me:
*Not everyday can be great, and you can’t feel great or even just ‘fine’ at all times. Some days are just shit and you shouldn’t feel bad for having a bad day. A bad day doesn’t equal you.
*You’re NOT weak for breaking down. It doesn’t matter how many times it happens but the important thing isn’t to always keep yourself together but to be able to pick up yourself after every time. You are stronger than them.
*It’s not a bad thing to be a ‘cry baby’. I cry super easily, even at times when I have no single clue about why I do it. I’m a sensitive person who isn’t very good a talking about things and crying is a way to express feelings I can’t express otherwise.
*You’re strong for geting up everyday. For getting on the bus. For just saying “Hi” to your classmates. Sure it may not seem like big things to others but for us even being able to do the small things is a glorious victory that deserves a clap on the shoulder. You did something that to you was hard, and that makes you awesome.
*Sometimes you just need to trust other and tell them how you feel about things. It might feel like you’re expressing your feelings but others may not pick up on them. Because we can’t truly see how we look at all times and some of us just have a resting bitch face, even when it feels like we showing feelings. Don’t go around each other thinking the other doesn’t like or understands you. Instead speak to each other, even if it might be hard.

Because usually things aren’t really so bad that our minds make it out to be.

♥ Caroline