One thing I used to do was literally throwing my phone under the pillows whenever I had wrote a message or email about something important. It was like as long as I didn’t read the answer I could live happily unknowing, and the longer i dragged it out the longer I could technically be happy in case it response was something bad. And thinking like I did back then it was sure to be that. Because hey I’m Caroline and nothing is good my life.
Now this didn’t just apply to sending messages, it applied to everything. Like whenever I had to get feedback for school work I’d rather read the grade/comment online than having a face to face talk about it and how I did. I think that had something to with my feelings taking over, and if it wasn’t a positive response I would start cry. And then it was better to do it in the comfort of my own room than in front of the teacher, or in some cases the entire class. Because then I would be embarrassed and making everyone around me uncomfortable.
But this happen at home to: I would drag out things like asking my brother to pick out a package for me att the postal office, until the last minute because I didn’t wanted to bother him or facing an rejection. Or that I always did things like eat or go on the toilet when no one else was around so that I didn’t was in the way.
But, I have to live my life and slowly a little step at a time I start to reshape this thinking. Now I asks my brother rather casually if he can picks them up for, because I’m not afraid that I’m bothering him or that I’m the useless little sister. Or whenever I’m gonna take book photos for this blog, I don’t sneak out when no ones around for the risk of being judged of asked what the hell I’m doing. Nowadays I just goes out takes then whenever I feels like it.
Afterwards it feels like a big victory, and I know that for a lot of people that’s nothing. But for me these are huge progresses and I’m finally able to cheer my self on for achieving even the tiniest of things, because I’ve done then instead of just bury my head in the sand.