Over time one of my best traits is my eye to details, it’s a great thing to notice the small things and see a world that others doesn’t. But like so many other things when it’s used wrong it can be a devastating tool.
During my first time with heavy depression the details gained a bigger role than they had before. Sure I’ve always used then to survive in a hostile school environment by reading people and use it to my advantage.
But you can get so locked in on it that you start to use details, that may be completely useless to build the full picture instead of using them to complete the picture like they should. Like last year when every single like thing, saying and acting of my best friend who I was afraid to lose, was noticed and used in my constant pondering and overthinking. It didn’t lead to anything other than me constantly feeling lost, and unloved. Because I used them to confirm my worst expectations and pushing myself down.
Paying attention to details is an amazing thing, that can be a big help in life. But don’t live by the details, nothing good comes from that. You only get sad, hurt and beats yourself up for things that isn’t really real.
Just take it chill, and try to think rational. Don’t let your feelings hi-jack your brain and twist the whole picture to your worst nightmare. Believe me, most of the time things aren’t actually that bad.
Every day the past year I had been documenting the day, and reading back at them now is hilarious. It’s hilarious how wrongly I saw things, and I feel embarrassed for myself for some of the way I acted. Well, there’s no question that I couldn’t feel happy back then when I constantly bullied myself into feeling like nothing. It’s a wonder that my friend stuck by me, because if I had lost them I would only have had myself to blame. I inrepeterad a lot of things wrong only because my feelings was the captain of my brain, and not reason and logic.
I also had this super twisted idea of what affection looked like, and how people should treat me if it meant they liked me. But the expectations I had built up during all these years on the outside was out of this world and wasn’t realistic at all. No wonder I was miserable, I couldn’t see the all of things I actually had, no I lived with the void in my heart because I had been bullied so long that I somebody liked me they would treat me like I was the best person.
Yeah, and it didn’t help that I send out ‘keep away from me’ vibes and drew back into the shadows whenever I felt slightly bad, and wasn’t big on sharing things.
I’m just happy that I realized this at the time that I did, so that now I can go in with more realistic expectations, enjoy the things that’s actually there and not get worked up over small, and useless, things.